I Take Photographs for a Living

One day I woke up deafened by the silence. It was an internal thing, like soft vines enveloping my entire being. I don’t know when they became like a fortress, people forgetting there was still a person inside. Who considers the wayside flower anyway? I had become part of the landscape, worth no more than a passing glance. 

The thought came to me while washing dishes. It had been days since I had occasion to speak. Occasionally I would amuse myself with artistic sessions of intense self-flagellation disguised as humour. It was harmless in this desert place, and much safer than a reflection marred by colourful bruises. 

I listened to the silence more when I remembered why I was alone. I resented it less. I always, always, came away thinking how different life could have been, if only I’d been more quiet in those early years. It had been a tenuous balance struck between me and my more intense passions. I’d wanted to ‘grab life by the balls’ and I did. 

I did. My days have been filled with thoughtfully captured landscapes and serendipitous connections forged over flights, train rides and the daring to go boldly seizing each day like tomorrow would be the greatest one yet. It never got old. 

When we’d met, things got only more intense, someone to share all of the inspiration with, and the cold, sometimes lonely night. It didn’t take long for the regret to settle in. His stares no longer smouldered, the thrill of the chase already satisfied. Instead his intense gaze had my hands trembling, practised positioning somehow no longer balanced enough to capture the beauty of nature. 

I craved being home for the first time in years. I desperately wanted somewhere to settle, only, by then he was a part of the deal. The emotions conflated then. I let myself get lost in it, shocked later to realise I’d been swept along such a dangerous path, with no speed bumps to alert the inevitable demise. 

In the present, I gazed at my reflection in the now clear water pooled in the sink. No bruises. What a picture I made. I wondered if I’d ever see anything the same again. 

                                                                                                                                                         – Arekahs